Goals can be excellent things for us to have. They can guide us toward our future, toward changes that we want to make, and toward accomplishments we seek to achieve. But goals can also set us up for defeat if they are too lofty. Ideally, goals should be "smart" goals. What do I mean by that?

S = Specific
M = Measurable
A = Achievable
R = Reasonable
T = Time-limited

For example, someone could have a goal such as "I want ten thousand dollars for a house downpayment." Without a reasonable plan, it might seem daunting and frustrating on a daily basis to think about the $10,000 that you want, but not have a good solid plan for obtaining it or demonstrate any progress toward having it.

A "smart" goal might be something like "I plan to place $200 each month into an interest-earning, low-risk account. In 4 years, I should have accumulated the ten thousand dollars for my downpayment on a house." The second goal, of saving $200/month over a period of 4 years, is very specific, is measurable in the number of dollars, might be achievable with the correct budgeting, is reasonable and not too lofty, and has a time-limit, thus making it a "smart" goal.

When you set goals for yourself, use the acronym above to guide you toward setting goals that are SMART, and then have fun achieving those goals!

I wish I knew the origins and context for the following quote about challenges in life:

"Your life is not going to be easy, and it should not be easy. It ought to be hard. It ought to be radical; it ought to be restless; it ought to lead you to places you'd rather not go." - Henri Nouwen

The meaning that I take away from the quote is that we are encouraged, perhaps even summoned, to challenge ourselves in life. . . not only to think outside of the proverbial box, but also to test ourselves in our actions so that we are not stagnant and predictable. . . to challenge ourselves to see new horizons, climb different mountains, find out what our capabilities truly are by pushing aside what we believe to be our limits.

How do you plan to challenge yourself today? What radical action could you take that would lead you in a direction that might seem scary, but also would be beneficial to your life?

Chris Abani is a Nigerian-born author of prose and poetry who has won many significant literature awards. In a talk he gave on the topic of humanity, he spoke of the South African phrase "ubuntu" which he defines as "the only way for me to be human is for you to reflect my humanity back at me." He then shared his belief that "we are never more beautiful than when we are most ugly, because that's really the moment we know what we're made of."

He is not talking about outward, aesthetic beauty or ugliness, but rather what is inside of us - our spirit, our soul, our passion. He is challenging us to demonstrate our beauty by willingly showing the depths of our souls and being which may seem ugly, but which are the most human representations and reflections of ourselves. In my private practice hours, I hear so often of clients trying to cover up their soul, fearing that what's inside isn't good enough, isn't remarkable enough, isn't worthy enough, or perhaps doesn't even matter. They fear that "being real" will lead others to see their ugliness. This is simply not my experience. Challenging clients to show this inner soul may be difficult, yet to the client it can be relieving when they realize that I do not run in fear or hide in disgust when I understand their depths. The reality is, that by being vulnerable and divulging their soul, they are becoming more beautiful, stronger, and richer in character in my eyes - more like their true self.

I was recently informed of two opportunities for support groups for those struggling against eating disorders. One is offered in Minneapolis, the other in St Paul, and both are sponsored by The Joy Project. Individuals who are currently affected by an eating disorder or body image issues are encouraged to attend.

Mondays, 6:30 - 8:00 pm
University Lutheran Church of Hope
601 - 13th Avenue SE
Minneapolis MN 55414-1437

Thursdays, 6:30 - 8:00 pm
Central Park United Methodist Church
639 Jackson Street
St Paul, MN 55101

Erik Erickson developed an eight stage theory of psychosocial development, spanning from birth to old age. In this theory, there are specific milestones to be accomplished around certain ages. A brief synopsis of the stages is as follows:

Age 0-1; Basic trust vs. mistrust. During the first year or two of life, when caregivers provide consistent nurturing care, the child develops basic trust and realizes that people are dependable and the world can be a safe place.

Age 2-3; Autonomy vs. shame and doubt. In this stage, caregivers who guide children firmly yet with praise will help children grow to be independent and autonomous.

Age 4-5; Initiative vs. guilt. At this time, children become curious about people, and if allowed to show initiative the child will develop purpose, set goals and act in ways to achieve these goals.

Age 6-12; Industry vs. inferiority. Caregivers who support the child, including their imagination and drive, will help children develop a sense of competence.

Age 13-19; Identity vs. role confusion. During these years, children are expected to 'try on' different identities, including their perceptions of their strengths, weaknesses, goals, sexuality, occupations, etc.

Age 20-24; Intimacy vs. isolation. Intimacy is the ability to be close, loving, and vulnerable in romantic and platonic relationships. Failure to develop appropriate intimacy can lead to promiscuity or isolation from relationships.

Age 25-64; Generativity vs. stagnation. A strong sense of creativity, success, and importance leads to generativity, which is an interest in the next generation.

Age 65-??; Ego integration vs. despair. People facing ego integration are processing the ending of the life, including acceptance of success and failure, aging, and loss.

It is theorized that people can become 'stuck' at a stage when there is a significant affront in their life - perhaps facing a traumatic event such as abuse, having a loss of an important caregiver, or enduring a significant illness. Thus, these age guidelines are a ballpark. You may find yourself reading through these psychosocial developmental stages and wondering why your real age is so much older than your psychosocial age! Perhaps it is because something happened that serves to keep you stuck. In any case, it is prudent in psychotherapy to attempt to work through these stuck points so that you are not delayed in other stages.