Empowerment
Soaring To New Heights
07 July 10
Sometimes we need a
push out of our nest in order to spread our wings and
learn how to fly . . .
Why should we leave our comfort zones? Why not stick with those things that are familiar and known to us, and avoid taking risks? Why not stay in the safety and security of home?
. . . Because unless we are challenged outside of our comfort zones, we may not know that we can soar high in the skies. Is it time to take a note from the birds and kick yourself out of the comfortable, familiar nest to see if your life can take flight?
Why should we leave our comfort zones? Why not stick with those things that are familiar and known to us, and avoid taking risks? Why not stay in the safety and security of home?
. . . Because unless we are challenged outside of our comfort zones, we may not know that we can soar high in the skies. Is it time to take a note from the birds and kick yourself out of the comfortable, familiar nest to see if your life can take flight?
Facing Bad Events.
01 July 10
Bad things happen in
life. You may not have planned for it and you
certainly may not deserve it. Yet bad things happen.
One of my heroes told me, many moons ago, the
following advice: "You may not be able to choose what
or when something bad happens to you, but you are
definitely in charge of how you respond
to it."
Do you curl up into a ball, pull the sheets up over your head and try to ignore the world passing you by? Do you drink yourself to oblivion in an attempt to forget? Do you impulsively retaliate against someone to try to even out the bad news?
Or do you take a few deep breaths, talk with a trusted person, and strategize how best to proceed? I am not suggesting that taking this approach is easy. But after years of working with clients and helping them navigate the bad news in their lives (as well as handling bad news in my own life!), I am confident that it is more favorable in the long run to be thoughtful and methodical about how to proceed - - whether it be by no action at all, or by a careful evaluation of what to do next. Afterall, if bad events are unavoidable, don't we deserve to make them the least damaging to our lives?
Do you curl up into a ball, pull the sheets up over your head and try to ignore the world passing you by? Do you drink yourself to oblivion in an attempt to forget? Do you impulsively retaliate against someone to try to even out the bad news?
Or do you take a few deep breaths, talk with a trusted person, and strategize how best to proceed? I am not suggesting that taking this approach is easy. But after years of working with clients and helping them navigate the bad news in their lives (as well as handling bad news in my own life!), I am confident that it is more favorable in the long run to be thoughtful and methodical about how to proceed - - whether it be by no action at all, or by a careful evaluation of what to do next. Afterall, if bad events are unavoidable, don't we deserve to make them the least damaging to our lives?
Who Have You Impacted Today?
24 June 10
As
the story of the Starfish goes . . . (by Loren
Eisley)
A violent storm battered the beach and left behind hundreds of starfish washed up on the shore. There were starfish as far as you could see. A boy walked down the beach and began throwing the starfish back into the ocean, one at a time. Soon a man walked up and asked, "What are you doing? You'll never get all these starfish back into the sea! You're wasting your time!"
The boy turned and bent down, picked up a starfish and threw it back into the ocean. He turned to look at the man and said, "It mattered to that one."
Today, whose life have you touched? Whose soul have you impacted? Be grateful that you have given so compassionately and generously.
Who has impacted you? Which person came into your life, and wonderfully threw you back into your ocean where you could have a chance to survive and thrive? Thank that person for the gift that she or he has given you.
A violent storm battered the beach and left behind hundreds of starfish washed up on the shore. There were starfish as far as you could see. A boy walked down the beach and began throwing the starfish back into the ocean, one at a time. Soon a man walked up and asked, "What are you doing? You'll never get all these starfish back into the sea! You're wasting your time!"
The boy turned and bent down, picked up a starfish and threw it back into the ocean. He turned to look at the man and said, "It mattered to that one."
Today, whose life have you touched? Whose soul have you impacted? Be grateful that you have given so compassionately and generously.
Who has impacted you? Which person came into your life, and wonderfully threw you back into your ocean where you could have a chance to survive and thrive? Thank that person for the gift that she or he has given you.
Vulnerable.
20 June 10
Vulnerable. Most of us
avoid this feeling. We prefer to be comfortable and
surrounded with people and places that are known to
use. The familiar does have its benefits. However, in
order for us to reach a greater potential, we need to
journey outside of our comforts and be vulnerable.
Yes, that does mean that we might be subject to being
scared or we could inadvertently put ourselves in
harm's way. Yet it also means that we could learn
some news about ourself, such as a greater capacity
for something. For example, hiking a mountain might
make me vulnerable to a variety of physical problems
(e.g., sprained ankle, broken limb, altitude
sickness) and it also places me in
positive
"risk" for feeling an
amazing set of accomplishments (e.g., pride in making
it to the top of the mountain, awe in what the body
is capable of doing, breaking down previously-held
assumptions related to sleeping on a mountain in a
tent and sleeping bag!). When we plan for a change
and the change has a desired outcome, feeling
vulnerable is nearly inevitable. Certainly you can
take strides to reduce feeling too overwhelmed by
involving trusted persons and planning methodical
steps (not too large, not too little) in your change.
Yet in order for the change to happen, it is not
possible to avoid the feeling of vulnerability. See
what you can do to make a change and embrace the
daring side of you, and navigate that vulnerability
with style!
Practice is Essential.
13 June 10
It is likely that you
have heard someone (perhaps an annoying teacher or
parent!) say, "Practice Makes Perfect!" And it is
also likely that you may have rolled your eyes when
you heard that for the tenth or one-hundredth time.
For the sake of an exercise, let's focus not on
making things "perfect" but making them better. One
of the most effective means to make significant and
long-lasting changes in life is to make repeated
attempts at that change. When you were younger, you
didn't learn how to ride a bike or jump rope by doing
it once - - you learned how to master these fun
skills by doing them repeatedly. [I add the caveat
that when we were kids, we likely enjoyed learning
how to ride a bike or jump rope so it didn't seem
like work at the time.] The reality is that
practice is
essential when we are interested in learning a
new skill and having that skill become part of our
life. Take a look at what you are interested in
learning at this point in your life, and see if you
can carve away a little bit of time on a regular
(weekly, if not daily) basis to practice . . . and
then evaluate how far you have come over the course
of a month!
Is Recovery a Destination or a Journey?
13 May 10
I'm regularly asked what
recovery looks like, whether it be recovery from
depression, an eating disorder, a loss such as a
divorce or a death, or similar experiences. I'm not
certain that I have the perfect answer, but here is
how I think about recovery. I view recovery as a
journey, not a destination. What I mean by that is
that you don't get to the point of not having any
symptoms (of depression, grief, or an eating
disorder) or returning to your normal baseline of
functioning without having worked very tediously to
get there! Thus, while it is a time to celebrate the
achievement of abstinence it is not a time to stop
doing what you have been doing. Rather, I believe it
is quintessentially important to keep doing those things that
have helped you!
Change Involves Hard Work
08 April 10
You have probably heard
the quote by Albert Einstein that "the definition of
insanity is doing the same thing over and over
again." Certainly, many people want something to be
different in their life. What they may underestimate
is the amount of time, energy, deliberation and focus
that goes into reshaping it. But do not lose
hope...if you keep yourself focused on the ultimate
goal but break the task down into smaller, manageable
steps, change can happen! Consider this example: If
you are hiking up a mountain, you can look up at the
top of the mountain from time to time to remind
yourself why you are exerting a tremendous amount of
energy on the climb so that you can cheer once you
reach the top. Yet in order to reach the top of the
mountain you need to spend most of your time focused
on the five feet in front of you so that you retain
your footing and balance. If your eyes are constantly
gazing at the top of the mountain, you may not "see"
that you are getting very far and you may lose your
balance and tumble back down. However, when your eyes
bear witness to the steps that you have mastered and
the distance you have already traversed, you may feel
energized to keep going. Be purposeful in the
alterations that you want to make in your life, yet
break them down into smaller, more manageable parts
in order to reduce the likelihood that you will
become discouraged along the way.
A few thoughts about young adulthood
25 January 10
This
is one of many observations I've made about young
adulthood and the transition to "independence." In
our first 18 years of life, our goals are fairly
structured. We go to school K-18, we have a part-time
job, we date and obtain a driver's license, and we're
supposed to get ready to emancipate from the family
home. What lies beyond high school graduation (or
perhaps past college graduation) is more ambiguous
and challenging for some individuals to navigate.
They find themselves asking questions like, "What do
I do now? How do I know if I'm doing a good job?
Everyone else is getting married and having kids..
but I'm not and does that mean I'm weird?" I think
one key to getting through young adulthood with the
fewest emotional scars is to have a plan that is your
own - - to reframe the question "What do I do now" to
"What do I WANT to do now... what is important to me
in life... what do I want to accomplish... what is my
own agenda and how do I achieve it?" This is a time
to begin the transition from external (parents,
teachers, coaches, friends, etc.) evaluations of
worth to internal (yourself) standards. It may not be
an easy transition, yet it is important to cultivate
and own your future and that which is important to
you.
"Stuck" is still a place to be......
18 January 10
Are you STUCK? Jammed into a rut and not going
anywhere? While being stuck is a place to be, and may
be better than going backward, you can still work
toward becoming unstuck. Ask yourself, "what are the
factors that are keeping me stuck - which ones can I
change, and what is my plan to change them?"
Sometimes I hear clients say, "It seems like every
time I take a step forward, I later take a step
back." If this is your situation, what I want to know
is, "Which way are you facing - - are you facing
forward, striving for positive change and recovery?
Or have you turned around, seemingly given up on
progress?" Even if you are feeling stuck, keep your
eyes focused forward and try hard not to give up on
making changes.... positive events may happen even if
you aren't expecting them!!!
Focus on Resilience and Goodness
11 January 10
What is happening with the front page news? Where are
the stories of people doing well in the face of
adversity ... of peacefulness and humanity? Have we
been trained only to respond to the wrong, the
violent and the ugly . . . and forgotten how to
embrace the good, the compassionate and the
beautiful? Finding and celebrating strengths can be
powerfully uplifting. What have you done lately that
could be applauded? Take a few moments to relish in
your goodness and strive to be more resilient against
negativity, yours and that of others.
What is Resilience?
04 January 10
....the ability to recover rapidly from illness,
change, or misfortune. Why does resilience matter?
Studies have shown that those individuals who are
resilient can weather adversity pretty well and
suffer fewer consequences to the adverse event
(compared to less resilient individuals). What is
interesting is that resiliency isn't something that
is static - you can influence how resilient you are
with your mindset. When you are confronted with
illness, change or misfortune, do you adopt a "woe is
me" attitude and take a passive stance, or are you an
active participant in your own life and work toward a
rapid recovery? Next time that you are confronted
with a problem, ask yourself how you could be more
resilient against a bad outcome and work toward
persevering with strength!
Your Gift to Yourself
12 December 09
'Tis the season again - numerous holidays, family
gatherings, plentiful feasts and delicious treats and
all that is joyous, right? It is my wish for you that
you have a happy and wonderful holiday season. But
for those of you who feel stressed, depressed, down
due to the dark and cold days, or otherwise in a
funk, please consider giving the following gift to
yourself.
NURTURE YOURSELF. Perhaps it's a nap, a pedicure, quiet time spent with a favorite book or hobby, a phone call to a close friend or a few moments sipping hot cocoa by a fire... whatever your indulgence, give yourself the gift of calm, soulful, positive nurturing.
NURTURE YOURSELF. Perhaps it's a nap, a pedicure, quiet time spent with a favorite book or hobby, a phone call to a close friend or a few moments sipping hot cocoa by a fire... whatever your indulgence, give yourself the gift of calm, soulful, positive nurturing.
Health Now or Disease Later?
27 August 09
I saw this quote today and thought it was very
appropriate for some of what we confront in the
health field. The saying is: "If you do not make time
for health you will eventually have to make time for
disease." I believe this quote is appropriate for
both mental and physical health - that how we spend
our time living our lives now directly influences how
we will live our lives later. I regularly speak about
the benefits of routine mental health practices - -
adequate sleep, taking time out for calm / relaxation
(such as with yoga, meditation, or prayer), setting
boundaries around our most important commitments
while ridding our lives of unnecessary distractions,
etc - - and how they can impact optimal mental health
functioning. Physical health practices, such as
regular low-impact exercise, appropriate nutrition
and hydration, good posture and abstinence from
smoking and excessive alcohol use can also directly
influence our bodies and quality of life.
Although I have no scientific evidence supporting this next assertion, I believe that the amount of time we spend focusing on good health now is a more efficient use of our time compared to dealing with diseases later. Furthermore, placing our efforts on good physical and mental health practices today may be enjoyable!!!! [Seriously, have you ever seen anyone enjoy going to dialysis, having radiation / chemotherapy, or suffering through heart disease?]
Ask yourself, "What am I doing regularly now to help maintain good health or even improve my health for later?"
Although I have no scientific evidence supporting this next assertion, I believe that the amount of time we spend focusing on good health now is a more efficient use of our time compared to dealing with diseases later. Furthermore, placing our efforts on good physical and mental health practices today may be enjoyable!!!! [Seriously, have you ever seen anyone enjoy going to dialysis, having radiation / chemotherapy, or suffering through heart disease?]
Ask yourself, "What am I doing regularly now to help maintain good health or even improve my health for later?"
The Difference between Wellness and Illness
22 May 09
Wellness is defined as the state or
condition of being in good physical and mental health
whereas illness is a disease or period of
sickness affecting the body or mind. Looking at the
spelling of these two words, the letters in common
are the ones at the end ("llness"), yet quite
interestingly, what differentiates these two words
from one another are the beginning letters - WE
versus I. WE*llness is often achieved by building a
community of individuals (the "we") who can support
our health, growth and strength. Yet when we become
individually focused and do not involve others around
us (the "I"), we may be prone to I*llness in that our
internal focus may lead us astray in terms of our
goals and we could become exhausted if we do not have
those around us to guide, nurture, uplift, and
empower us to reach greater heights. To be well, take
a careful look around you to see who can be part of
your team - who can support you - who may be able to
help you reach your greatest potential - and involve
them in your life so that you can achieve WE*llness.
Building a Strong Foundation
09 January 09
Just as houses need to have a strong foundation in
order to keep us sheltered from storms, each of us
needs to have a strong foundation that we can build
the rest of our life upon. What are the blocks of
your foundation? How much sleep do you need each day
to function at your fullest? Are you eating and
hydrating properly so that your body is at peak
performance? What daily activities help you to manage
stress, such as taking a walk or having time-out
during the day? How do you keep your spiritual needs
nurtured? Do you live with honesty and integrity?
What persons in your life help you to live a happy,
productive and fulfilling life? Our physical,
emotional and spiritual foundation is integral to
help us get through the downs of life and to boost us
during the ups and celebrations.
What are the foundation blocks that help you be strong in accomplishing your life goals and weathering life's expected and unexpected storms? What can you do on a daily basis to make sure that your foundation is as strong as possible?
What are the foundation blocks that help you be strong in accomplishing your life goals and weathering life's expected and unexpected storms? What can you do on a daily basis to make sure that your foundation is as strong as possible?
Get an "A" in Your Life
02 January 09
If we evaluated life like an academic course, what
would it take to earn an A? Instructors develop
syllabi to help students conceptualize what work
needs to be completed and what grades on tests and
exams need to be achieved in order to get a good
grade in the class. As the instructor of your own
life, it can be very beneficial to develop an outline
of how you could earn an A in your own life. Take a
limited period of time, such as 3 months, and write
down what you would need to accomplish in that period
of time in order to earn that good grade. Make sure
that your agenda includes only SMART goals (see
8/29/08 blog) - goals that are Specific, Measurable,
Achievable, Reasonable, and Time-limited. Then break
down those goals into smaller parts so that each
week, perhaps each day, you can keep your focus on
the immediate tasks at hand. Then at the end of the
time period, go ahead and evaluate yourself -
hopefully you will have earned that A!
Building Your Village
19 December 08
Eleanor Roosevelt, in her wisdom, said "It takes
a village to raise a child." I believe our needs
for a supportive, nurturing and challenging village
extend decades beyond our childhood. Perhaps the
quote could be broadened to all ages with a slight
modification, "It takes a village to empower us
to our greatness."
As part of our village, we need to find villagers who challenge us in positive ways, support us in strengthening our talents, motivate us to reach far and dream wide, cheer us on when we achieve our goals, inspire us to be the best that we can be and encourage us in our moments of defeat. Your village may be small or large, it may be local or extend across the globe, it may be focused in one area or have overlapping concentric circles to capture your many needs. Whatever your village looks like, however it is constructed, wherever it exists, it will be up to you to build it and maintain its strength. What can you do today that will boost your village and actualize you toward your greatness?
As part of our village, we need to find villagers who challenge us in positive ways, support us in strengthening our talents, motivate us to reach far and dream wide, cheer us on when we achieve our goals, inspire us to be the best that we can be and encourage us in our moments of defeat. Your village may be small or large, it may be local or extend across the globe, it may be focused in one area or have overlapping concentric circles to capture your many needs. Whatever your village looks like, however it is constructed, wherever it exists, it will be up to you to build it and maintain its strength. What can you do today that will boost your village and actualize you toward your greatness?
The Balancing Act of Self-Esteem
07 November 08
There was some buzz a few months ago about
self-esteem - too much versus too little - as a
result of some comments made by Allan Josephson, MD,
the chairman of the Family Committee of the American
Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. A
number of clients asked questions about the idea that
too much praise is problematic. Dr. Josephson asserts
that children who are overly praised, particularly
when the performance is not praise-worthy, may become
dependent on positive external feedback, and also may
be at risk for problems such as arrogance and
entitlement, alcohol and drug use, bullying, and
risky sexual behaviors. While not enough praise is
problematic, too much praise (particularly in light
of poor or average performance) may be problematic,
too.
So you may now be asking yourself, what's the right balance in order to develop a healthy level of self-esteem? Josephson's belief is that healthy self-esteem is a combination of a) having parents, guardians and role models who are physically and emotionally available, with b) having those people set appropriate limits on behavior and help the individual develop autonomy.
He specifically suggests that adult role models try to establish healthy self-esteem in children in the following ways:
• Help children master the tasks associated with, and only with, each developmental stage, from infancy through young adulthood.
• Teach young children to control their impulses and respect the rights of others.
• Reward and applaud true accomplishments; praising every little thing may lead to a constant ned for praise.
• Set limits and stick to them, explaining why a specific action or behavior has a specific consequence.
• Help teens develop autonomy; do not coddle or overprotect them, or unfortunately it may come at their expense.
So you may now be asking yourself, what's the right balance in order to develop a healthy level of self-esteem? Josephson's belief is that healthy self-esteem is a combination of a) having parents, guardians and role models who are physically and emotionally available, with b) having those people set appropriate limits on behavior and help the individual develop autonomy.
He specifically suggests that adult role models try to establish healthy self-esteem in children in the following ways:
• Help children master the tasks associated with, and only with, each developmental stage, from infancy through young adulthood.
• Teach young children to control their impulses and respect the rights of others.
• Reward and applaud true accomplishments; praising every little thing may lead to a constant ned for praise.
• Set limits and stick to them, explaining why a specific action or behavior has a specific consequence.
• Help teens develop autonomy; do not coddle or overprotect them, or unfortunately it may come at their expense.
"SMART" goals
29 August 08
Goals can be excellent things for us to have. They
can guide us toward our future, toward changes that
we want to make, and toward accomplishments we seek
to achieve. But goals can also set us up for defeat
if they are too lofty. Ideally, goals should be
"smart" goals. What do I mean by that?
S = Specific
M = Measurable
A = Achievable
R = Reasonable
T = Time-limited
For example, someone could have a goal such as "I want ten thousand dollars for a house downpayment." Without a reasonable plan, it might seem daunting and frustrating on a daily basis to think about the $10,000 that you want, but not have a good solid plan for obtaining it or demonstrate any progress toward having it.
A "smart" goal might be something like "I plan to place $200 each month into an interest-earning, low-risk account. In 4 years, I should have accumulated the ten thousand dollars for my downpayment on a house." The second goal, of saving $200/month over a period of 4 years, is very specific, is measurable in the number of dollars, might be achievable with the correct budgeting, is reasonable and not too lofty, and has a time-limit, thus making it a "smart" goal.
When you set goals for yourself, use the acronym above to guide you toward setting goals that are SMART, and then have fun achieving those goals!
S = Specific
M = Measurable
A = Achievable
R = Reasonable
T = Time-limited
For example, someone could have a goal such as "I want ten thousand dollars for a house downpayment." Without a reasonable plan, it might seem daunting and frustrating on a daily basis to think about the $10,000 that you want, but not have a good solid plan for obtaining it or demonstrate any progress toward having it.
A "smart" goal might be something like "I plan to place $200 each month into an interest-earning, low-risk account. In 4 years, I should have accumulated the ten thousand dollars for my downpayment on a house." The second goal, of saving $200/month over a period of 4 years, is very specific, is measurable in the number of dollars, might be achievable with the correct budgeting, is reasonable and not too lofty, and has a time-limit, thus making it a "smart" goal.
When you set goals for yourself, use the acronym above to guide you toward setting goals that are SMART, and then have fun achieving those goals!
Impasse, or Hurdle?
12 July 08
I went to spectate the Lifetime Fitness Triathlon
today to cheer on several friends (male and female)
who were competing in the event - - they are not pro
athletes but are looking to challenge themselves,
their bodies, and particularly their minds. I
expected to see men and women of all different ages,
body types and shapes, and varying levels of training
programs, striving to complete the event and perhaps
achieve a personal best. What I did not anticipate
was the young boy (I estimate that he was about 12-13
years of age) clicking off a 5.5 minute mile
(speedy!), the emotions of the relay teams and
individuals supporting charities and causes held so
important to them, and the one sight that captured
the day for me... the sight of one particular woman
crossing the finish line... the woman whose left leg
was amputated below the knee and who was racing with
a prosthetic, who finished strong, and had the most
glorious look of accomplishment on her face as she
crossed the line of race completion.
This woman signified to me the strength of our human resolve. I don't know anything about her, but I stood in awe (cheering, of course!) because she had completed a triathlon with a circumstance that might have been an impasse to some, yet was only a hurdle to her.
Can we choose to make things that seem like barriers only obstacles? Perhaps not with all circumstances. Yet with determination, a solid plan and fans cheering us on, perhaps we can find that some of life's "dead ends" are not ends at all, but are challenges we can overcome.
This woman signified to me the strength of our human resolve. I don't know anything about her, but I stood in awe (cheering, of course!) because she had completed a triathlon with a circumstance that might have been an impasse to some, yet was only a hurdle to her.
Can we choose to make things that seem like barriers only obstacles? Perhaps not with all circumstances. Yet with determination, a solid plan and fans cheering us on, perhaps we can find that some of life's "dead ends" are not ends at all, but are challenges we can overcome.
Are You Results Oriented?
06 June 08
What kinds of results do you want for your life? What
do you want to be different than it is right now?
Results can be thought of as a simple equation:
RESULTS = MOTIVATION x ACTIONS
If you have a lot of motivation toward change, but aren't taking any action, you aren't likely to glean any results. How does that work? Well, remember from our arithmetic days that the product of any number and 0 is 0, so if your actions are a '0' then you are going to have '0' results. Similarly, if you have no motivation to change, you aren't going to have any results. Your best strategy to achieve the results that you want is to make sure you are motivated in the proper direction, and then take action toward achieving those results. Having only half of the equation is going to net you a zero. But if you have a lot of motivation and are taking a number of correct actions, you will reap the rewards of significant results. Go get 'em!!!
RESULTS = MOTIVATION x ACTIONS
If you have a lot of motivation toward change, but aren't taking any action, you aren't likely to glean any results. How does that work? Well, remember from our arithmetic days that the product of any number and 0 is 0, so if your actions are a '0' then you are going to have '0' results. Similarly, if you have no motivation to change, you aren't going to have any results. Your best strategy to achieve the results that you want is to make sure you are motivated in the proper direction, and then take action toward achieving those results. Having only half of the equation is going to net you a zero. But if you have a lot of motivation and are taking a number of correct actions, you will reap the rewards of significant results. Go get 'em!!!
A Value Added Life
12 April 08
Can't find the spring in your step? Lliving a
life that doesn't seem to be going anywhere?
Consider choosing to add something to your life that
would increase its value. Are you missing out in
relationships with depth, in your spiritual
connections, in giving to others or nurturing
yourself? Are you spending hours in a job that is
inconsistent with your personal goals or morals? The
business world speaks often of "value added" in terms
of production - at each stage of the production
process, they want to understand what value is added
at that particular time. Consider the same for your
life. Given where you are at in your life at this
very moment, what is the next piece of value that you
could add to your life? Make sure it's manageable and
able to be accomplished so that you can glean from
that value and move forward with a little more spring
in your step.
Happy Thoughts
04 April 08
Did you know that thinking privately about happy
moments may not only provide additional boost to your
mood but also be a better way of staying happy than
writing about or analyzing these joys? In an
elegantly-designed study published in 2006 in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Dr.
Lyubomirsky and colleagues asked participants to
identify one of the happiest days they had ever
experienced, and then instructed them in one of the
following conditions: a) think about the positive
life experience and replay it over and over; b) think
about the positive life experience and analyze their
thoughts; c) write about the positive life experience
over and over as if rewinding and replaying a
cassette tape; or d) write about the positive life
experience and analyze the event. Each participant
was asked to engage in their particular condition for
15 minutes for 3 days, and then participants were
re-evaluated four weeks later. Can you guess what the
researchers found? They found that long-term positive
affect (continuing to feel happiness, joy, etc.) four
weeks later was most profound for condition A, where
participants thought about the positive life
experience, replaying it over and over
without analyzing it.
What does this mean for you? Thinking and reminiscing about your positive life events, your joys, your triumphs, your 'happy thoughts' on a regular basis can help sustain your good mood. Try to avoid analyzing the good event, just relish in it. Just like Peter Pan in the movie Hook, perhaps finding your happy thoughts will give you the strength to fly.
What does this mean for you? Thinking and reminiscing about your positive life events, your joys, your triumphs, your 'happy thoughts' on a regular basis can help sustain your good mood. Try to avoid analyzing the good event, just relish in it. Just like Peter Pan in the movie Hook, perhaps finding your happy thoughts will give you the strength to fly.
Boost your Happiness in Ten Minutes Per Day
28 March 08
The University of Michigan's World Values Surveys has
been keeping track of happiness in different
countries across the globe for over 20 years. No
surprise, the United States didn't make the top of
the list. In fact, their research has shown that at
any point in time, one-fourth of Americans are mildly
depressed. Yet there is some very interesting
research (see Lichter, Haye & Kammann, 1980,
New Zealand Psychologist article "Increasing
happiness through cognitive retraining") that shows
that we may be able to increase our happiness in only
ten minutes per day! Two groups were compared: one
was asked to discuss happiness-relevant issues and
the other was asked to recite happiness-increasing
affirmations for ten minutes each morning. Both
groups reported an increase in happiness by 25%. I
think this is another amazing and fascinating example
of how significant our thoughts are toward our mental
health. Are you ready to give ten minutes of your day
to feel more happy?
Learning
21 March 08
Kids seem to learn something new all the time
(sometimes they learn things we don't want them to
know, but that's not the point!). Part of this
learning comes from their willingness to try over and
over again. I'm reminded of this every time I go
downhill skiing. Mountains that look daunting to me
are tackled with ease by the 'mogul mice' on the same
run. The kids don't seem to be thinking about all of
the painful things that could happen if they fall or
ram into the towering aspens and pines - - the kids
look pretty fearless. They are living in the moment,
breathing the crisp air, enjoying the great outdoors,
and having fun. Before the sun passes behind the
mountain peaks, they may go down the same short run
100 times in order to master their balance, speed,
and direction. They are tenacious. It seems to me
that as we age we can become impatient, wanting new
skills and lessons to come more quickly and easily
than they do. Yet impatience can lead to significant
frustration. Perhaps, in our curiosity of the world,
we can remind ourselves that our persistence in
trying new things may pay off in the future, but that
we need to give it ample time.
A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence. - - Jim Watkins
A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence. - - Jim Watkins
Make A Difference - The Starfish Story
14 March 08
I recently had a conversation with a client during
which we were talking about how long and overwhelming
life's list of tasks can be. She was starting to come
to the conclusion that it wasn't worthwhile - that
for every one thing she might work on, several more
crept up and perhaps it wasn't worth trying anymore.
Her despair and fatigue were palpable. I asked her if
she knew the Story of the Starfish, and a sly smile
crept across her face as she and I both recited parts
of the message behind this story. I share it here as
inspiration for us to continue on, even when life
seems daunting, because we can make a difference.
The Star Thrower (adapted, by Loren Eiseley)
One day a wise man was walking along the shore; as he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day, so he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead, he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing Starfish into the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked; why are you throwing Starfish into the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out and if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and Starfish all along it, you can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listened politely, then bent down, picked up another Starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves. "It made a difference for that one."
The Star Thrower (adapted, by Loren Eiseley)
One day a wise man was walking along the shore; as he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day, so he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead, he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing Starfish into the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked; why are you throwing Starfish into the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out and if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and Starfish all along it, you can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listened politely, then bent down, picked up another Starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves. "It made a difference for that one."
Risking to Learn - - Learning to Risk
07 March 08
Do you remember
learning how to ride a bicycle? If you were like me,
you didn't jump on a 2-wheel bike right away. Perhaps
you had a Big Wheel or a tricycle, which offered
stability while having fun. After a period of time
and mastery of the 3-wheeler, perhaps you advanced to
your first 2-wheel bicycle (equipped with training
wheels), which provided stability while allowing you
to experience how to balance. Maybe the next step was to flip
up the training wheels before someone eventually took
them off completely. Each of these steps afforded you
the opportunity to have great fun while providing a
gradual reduction in protection while you were
learning how to balance, steer, accelerate and brake.
Many of life's lessons are learned through the same model of risk and protection. Sure, you could learn about how to ride a bike from reading a book, but until you get out there and try it for yourself, the full lesson is not likely to be realized.
Calculated risks are a pathway to growth and learning. We must challenge ourselves with new experiences in order to grow and reach our fullest capacity.
Many of life's lessons are learned through the same model of risk and protection. Sure, you could learn about how to ride a bike from reading a book, but until you get out there and try it for yourself, the full lesson is not likely to be realized.
Calculated risks are a pathway to growth and learning. We must challenge ourselves with new experiences in order to grow and reach our fullest capacity.
Learning to Leap for Joy!
29 February 08
It's rare that I get to
blog on leap day - what fun! Let's do something
special and unique to celebrate this precious 'extra'
day that we get. Let's 'leap for joy' - but what is
joy? Here are some quotes that describe others'
definitions of joy:
Joy is prayer - joy is strength - joy is love - joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. - - Mother Theresa
I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters. - - Oprah Winfrey
Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy. - - Sarah Ban Breathnach
There is no greater joy nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone's life. - - Sister Mary Rose McGeady
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - - Helen Keller
What I glean from the aggregate of these quotes is that joy is palpable because we have known hardship yet is always within us, is felt in our meaningful connections with others, and is enhanced when we positively affect the lives of those around us including the lives of you and of me.
So be courageous on this special day and seek out some joy. Be still in your soul and true to yourself and your health. Find that warm, valuable, mattering spot in your heart and identify one way that you could bring joy to your life. See what happens when you act on it!
Joy is prayer - joy is strength - joy is love - joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. - - Mother Theresa
I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters. - - Oprah Winfrey
Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy. - - Sarah Ban Breathnach
There is no greater joy nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone's life. - - Sister Mary Rose McGeady
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - - Helen Keller
What I glean from the aggregate of these quotes is that joy is palpable because we have known hardship yet is always within us, is felt in our meaningful connections with others, and is enhanced when we positively affect the lives of those around us including the lives of you and of me.
So be courageous on this special day and seek out some joy. Be still in your soul and true to yourself and your health. Find that warm, valuable, mattering spot in your heart and identify one way that you could bring joy to your life. See what happens when you act on it!
Triumph!
01 February 08
Perhaps you have heard the saying, "If at first you
don't succeed, try, try again." Being vigilant and
determined are significant factors in achieving
growth and change in mental health. If we don't try
new approaches to our life, different ways of
relating, and changes to old habits, we can stay
stuck, remain stagnant. Although it may be a
challenge to muster the courage to try something new,
keep the following quote in mind .... Triumph is
just "umph" added to try. - - Author Unknown
Mattering Does Matter
25 January 08
It starts early .... like when you skin your knee and
someone kisses it "all better," color a picture that
is hung on the front of the refrigerator, or get to
choose a special meal on a birthday. Perhaps it's a
little note inside the lunchbox or a card in the mail
for no reason at all other than "just because..."
Acts like these can help us feel as though we matter
- that we are important and significant enough for
someone to take notice and do something that makes us
feel special. Identify the people in your life who
make you feel as though you are important and spend
time with them. After all, you do matter.
Make It Count
11 January 08
In the movie Titanic, Jack directs Rose to
"Make it count." Whether your life ahead of you is
long or short, try to live each day to its fullest.
Extend your reach for the shiny brass ring on the
carousel of life. Your life is your own. Live it
passionately. Savor authentic relationships. Relish
in intellectual curiosity. Celebrate the miracles of
the moments. Find joy and contentment.
Taking Action
14 December 07
I've been struck by the paralyzing force - the
incapacitating nature - of indecision. Immobilizing
acts such as looking for the best job, the perfect
partner, or the optimal career path can lead to
emotional debilitation. Sometimes, people are mired
down by numerous imperfect options, and subsequently
choose nothing. No action; only stagnation. Choosing
a new path, especially when 'imperfect,' may feel
uncomfortable, yet it is an important step toward
learning what you like, what you don't, and how to
progress. It also teaches us of our amazing
capacities to be more than we may have anticipated we
could be.
"Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did." - - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did." - - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Gratitude and Thanks
16 November 07
Sometimes, it can be easy to focus on the deficits -
what we don't have or what we are dissatisfied about
in our lives. When the list is long and full of
difficult challenges, it can lead to feelings of
defeat and depression. A challenge may be to focus on
the assets. What are you grateful for in your life?
To whom could you give thanks? What's going well, or
'okay', that you can embrace, be proud of? Consider
keeping a daily gratitude journal that can serve to
celebrate the positive events, people and
accomplishments in your life.
Your CEO
09 November 07
Pretend that your life is a company, and you are the
Chief Executive Officer. In the CEO role, you take
note of the people and activities that serve the
company well, helping it to progress and succeed. You
also identify those factors that are challenges or
obstacles for the company. In your position as CEO of
your life, what components of your company should you
keep, perhaps even emphasize and strengthen? What
challenges or obstacles should you work toward
eliminating? Take steps toward leading your life
toward further success and happiness.
Trust Yourself
09 November 07
"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you
will be happy to live with all your life. Make the
most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of
possibility into flames of achievement!" - -
Golda Meir
Life is difficult, or is it?
12 October 07
Words to ponder:
"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." - - M. Scott Peck
"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." - - M. Scott Peck
Self-Care Versus Caretaking
28 September 07
It's not uncommon for me to hear people struggle with
balancing their own needs and those of others. Some
err on the side of being highly self-focused while
others veer more toward being a caretaker. But an
extreme caretaking role can be a problem because you
can lose sight of the importance of tending to your
own needs. If you've ever flown in an airplane and
listened to the safety instructions prior to
take-off, you've been instructed on something like
this: "In the event of a loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will drop down. Please secure your own
oxygen mask before assisting those around you."
Essentially this is stressing to us that we are less
able, perhaps fully unable, to help others when we
are gasping for air (overwhelmed, overcommitted,
stressed, physically or mentally compromised). So,
it's important to take care of yourself - not only
for your own good, but so that you can be available
to help others as well.
Responsibility
14 September 07
All of us have a history - some more challenging or
strained than others. While history has an impact on
how we develop and what we've experienced, it does
not have to control who we become. You may not be
responsible for your past, but you are responsible
for what you do in the present, how you interact with
the world, and who you aspire to be.
How to swim without drowning
07 September 07
I learned how to swim this year. Not because I really
wanted to, but because I was dragooned by a friend to
do a triathlon with her before I realized that I
didn't know how to swim (panic!).
To confront significant emotions (fear, sadness, insecurity, etc) and learn how to tolerate them is an important task. Our ability to hang in with a feeling teaches us that the feeling itself is manageable (thus giving us more power and control than the emotion), and can give us the time to devise a plan of action that is safe and productive.
Here are some of the basic elements of learning something new:
1. Get a coach, someone to guide you.
2. Have fans - people to cheer you on and encourage you.
3. Develop a plan (e.g., what will you try, when, who will support you).
4. Take it slow, be patient.
5. Practice, practice, practice.
6. Celebrate each accomplishment, no matter how large or small.
To confront significant emotions (fear, sadness, insecurity, etc) and learn how to tolerate them is an important task. Our ability to hang in with a feeling teaches us that the feeling itself is manageable (thus giving us more power and control than the emotion), and can give us the time to devise a plan of action that is safe and productive.
Here are some of the basic elements of learning something new:
1. Get a coach, someone to guide you.
2. Have fans - people to cheer you on and encourage you.
3. Develop a plan (e.g., what will you try, when, who will support you).
4. Take it slow, be patient.
5. Practice, practice, practice.
6. Celebrate each accomplishment, no matter how large or small.
Youth, education, and the need for creativity
31 August 07
In an amazing and thought-provoking talk at the TED
(Technology, Entertainment, Design) conference in
February 2006, Sir Ken Robinson asserted his beliefs
on how typical education systems are teaching
children OUT of being creative. "If you're not
prepared to be wrong, you will never come up with
anything original." This is a powerful talk that
addresses some of the challenges and opportunities
within education, with strong emphasis on the
importance of empowering creativity. Although the
discussion emphasizes education of youth, I believe
that the main messages are applicable to individuals
of all ages.
Click here to view Sir Ken Robinson's talk (20 minutes in length).
Click here to view Sir Ken Robinson's talk (20 minutes in length).