There was some buzz a few months ago about self-esteem - too much versus too little - as a result of some comments made by Allan Josephson, MD, the chairman of the Family Committee of the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. A number of clients asked questions about the idea that too much praise is problematic. Dr. Josephson asserts that children who are overly praised, particularly when the performance is not praise-worthy, may become dependent on positive external feedback, and also may be at risk for problems such as arrogance and entitlement, alcohol and drug use, bullying, and risky sexual behaviors. While not enough praise is problematic, too much praise (particularly in light of poor or average performance) may be problematic, too.

So you may now be asking yourself, what's the right balance in order to develop a healthy level of self-esteem? Josephson's belief is that healthy self-esteem is a combination of a) having parents, guardians and role models who are physically and emotionally available, with b) having those people set appropriate limits on behavior and help the individual develop autonomy.

He specifically suggests that adult role models try to establish healthy self-esteem in children in the following ways:
• Help children master the tasks associated with, and only with, each developmental stage, from infancy through young adulthood.
• Teach young children to control their impulses and respect the rights of others.
• Reward and applaud true accomplishments; praising every little thing may lead to a constant ned for praise.
• Set limits and stick to them, explaining why a specific action or behavior has a specific consequence.
• Help teens develop autonomy; do not coddle or overprotect them, or unfortunately it may come at their expense.

Goals can be excellent things for us to have. They can guide us toward our future, toward changes that we want to make, and toward accomplishments we seek to achieve. But goals can also set us up for defeat if they are too lofty. Ideally, goals should be "smart" goals. What do I mean by that?

S = Specific
M = Measurable
A = Achievable
R = Reasonable
T = Time-limited

For example, someone could have a goal such as "I want ten thousand dollars for a house downpayment." Without a reasonable plan, it might seem daunting and frustrating on a daily basis to think about the $10,000 that you want, but not have a good solid plan for obtaining it or demonstrate any progress toward having it.

A "smart" goal might be something like "I plan to place $200 each month into an interest-earning, low-risk account. In 4 years, I should have accumulated the ten thousand dollars for my downpayment on a house." The second goal, of saving $200/month over a period of 4 years, is very specific, is measurable in the number of dollars, might be achievable with the correct budgeting, is reasonable and not too lofty, and has a time-limit, thus making it a "smart" goal.

When you set goals for yourself, use the acronym above to guide you toward setting goals that are SMART, and then have fun achieving those goals!

I went to spectate the Lifetime Fitness Triathlon today to cheer on several friends (male and female) who were competing in the event - - they are not pro athletes but are looking to challenge themselves, their bodies, and particularly their minds. I expected to see men and women of all different ages, body types and shapes, and varying levels of training programs, striving to complete the event and perhaps achieve a personal best. What I did not anticipate was the young boy (I estimate that he was about 12-13 years of age) clicking off a 5.5 minute mile (speedy!), the emotions of the relay teams and individuals supporting charities and causes held so important to them, and the one sight that captured the day for me... the sight of one particular woman crossing the finish line... the woman whose left leg was amputated below the knee and who was racing with a prosthetic, who finished strong, and had the most glorious look of accomplishment on her face as she crossed the line of race completion.

This woman signified to me the strength of our human resolve. I don't know anything about her, but I stood in awe (cheering, of course!) because she had completed a triathlon with a circumstance that might have been an impasse to some, yet was only a hurdle to her.

Can we choose to make things that seem like barriers only obstacles? Perhaps not with all circumstances. Yet with determination, a solid plan and fans cheering us on, perhaps we can find that some of life's "dead ends" are not ends at all, but are challenges we can overcome.

What kinds of results do you want for your life? What do you want to be different than it is right now? Results can be thought of as a simple equation:

RESULTS = MOTIVATION x ACTIONS

If you have a lot of motivation toward change, but aren't taking any action, you aren't likely to glean any results. How does that work? Well, remember from our arithmetic days that the product of any number and 0 is 0, so if your actions are a '0' then you are going to have '0' results. Similarly, if you have no motivation to change, you aren't going to have any results. Your best strategy to achieve the results that you want is to make sure you are motivated in the proper direction, and then take action toward achieving those results. Having only half of the equation is going to net you a zero. But if you have a lot of motivation and are taking a number of correct actions, you will reap the rewards of significant results. Go get 'em!!!

Can't find the spring in your step? Lliving a life that doesn't seem to be going anywhere? Consider choosing to add something to your life that would increase its value. Are you missing out in relationships with depth, in your spiritual connections, in giving to others or nurturing yourself? Are you spending hours in a job that is inconsistent with your personal goals or morals? The business world speaks often of "value added" in terms of production - at each stage of the production process, they want to understand what value is added at that particular time. Consider the same for your life. Given where you are at in your life at this very moment, what is the next piece of value that you could add to your life? Make sure it's manageable and able to be accomplished so that you can glean from that value and move forward with a little more spring in your step.

Did you know that thinking privately about happy moments may not only provide additional boost to your mood but also be a better way of staying happy than writing about or analyzing these joys? In an elegantly-designed study published in 2006 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Dr. Lyubomirsky and colleagues asked participants to identify one of the happiest days they had ever experienced, and then instructed them in one of the following conditions: a) think about the positive life experience and replay it over and over; b) think about the positive life experience and analyze their thoughts; c) write about the positive life experience over and over as if rewinding and replaying a cassette tape; or d) write about the positive life experience and analyze the event. Each participant was asked to engage in their particular condition for 15 minutes for 3 days, and then participants were re-evaluated four weeks later. Can you guess what the researchers found? They found that long-term positive affect (continuing to feel happiness, joy, etc.) four weeks later was most profound for condition A, where participants thought about the positive life experience, replaying it over and over without analyzing it.

What does this mean for you? Thinking and reminiscing about your positive life events, your joys, your triumphs, your 'happy thoughts' on a regular basis can help sustain your good mood. Try to avoid analyzing the good event, just relish in it. Just like Peter Pan in the movie Hook, perhaps finding your happy thoughts will give you the strength to fly.

The University of Michigan's World Values Surveys has been keeping track of happiness in different countries across the globe for over 20 years. No surprise, the United States didn't make the top of the list. In fact, their research has shown that at any point in time, one-fourth of Americans are mildly depressed. Yet there is some very interesting research (see Lichter, Haye & Kammann, 1980, New Zealand Psychologist article "Increasing happiness through cognitive retraining") that shows that we may be able to increase our happiness in only ten minutes per day! Two groups were compared: one was asked to discuss happiness-relevant issues and the other was asked to recite happiness-increasing affirmations for ten minutes each morning. Both groups reported an increase in happiness by 25%. I think this is another amazing and fascinating example of how significant our thoughts are toward our mental health. Are you ready to give ten minutes of your day to feel more happy?

Kids seem to learn something new all the time (sometimes they learn things we don't want them to know, but that's not the point!). Part of this learning comes from their willingness to try over and over again. I'm reminded of this every time I go downhill skiing. Mountains that look daunting to me are tackled with ease by the 'mogul mice' on the same run. The kids don't seem to be thinking about all of the painful things that could happen if they fall or ram into the towering aspens and pines - - the kids look pretty fearless. They are living in the moment, breathing the crisp air, enjoying the great outdoors, and having fun. Before the sun passes behind the mountain peaks, they may go down the same short run 100 times in order to master their balance, speed, and direction. They are tenacious. It seems to me that as we age we can become impatient, wanting new skills and lessons to come more quickly and easily than they do. Yet impatience can lead to significant frustration. Perhaps, in our curiosity of the world, we can remind ourselves that our persistence in trying new things may pay off in the future, but that we need to give it ample time.

A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence. - - Jim Watkins

I recently had a conversation with a client during which we were talking about how long and overwhelming life's list of tasks can be. She was starting to come to the conclusion that it wasn't worthwhile - that for every one thing she might work on, several more crept up and perhaps it wasn't worth trying anymore. Her despair and fatigue were palpable. I asked her if she knew the Story of the Starfish, and a sly smile crept across her face as she and I both recited parts of the message behind this story. I share it here as inspiration for us to continue on, even when life seems daunting, because we can make a difference.

The Star Thrower (adapted, by Loren Eiseley)

One day a wise man was walking along the shore; as he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day, so he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead, he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing Starfish into the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked; why are you throwing Starfish into the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out and if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and Starfish all along it, you can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely, then bent down, picked up another Starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves. "It made a difference for that one."

Do you remember learning how to ride a bicycle? If you were like me, you didn't jump on a 2-wheel bike right away. Perhaps you had a Big Wheel or a tricycle, which offered stability while having fun. After a period of time and mastery of the 3-wheeler, perhaps you advanced to your first 2-wheel bicycle (equipped with training wheels), which provided stability while allowing you to experience how to balance. Maybe the next step was to flip up the training wheels before someone eventually took them off completely. Each of these steps afforded you the opportunity to have great fun while providing a gradual reduction in protection while you were learning how to balance, steer, accelerate and brake.

Many of life's lessons are learned through the same model of risk and protection. Sure, you could learn about how to ride a bike from reading a book, but until you get out there and try it for yourself, the full lesson is not likely to be realized.

Calculated risks are a pathway to growth and learning. We must challenge ourselves with new experiences in order to grow and reach our fullest capacity.

It's rare that I get to blog on leap day - what fun! Let's do something special and unique to celebrate this precious 'extra' day that we get. Let's 'leap for joy' - but what is joy? Here are some quotes that describe others' definitions of joy:

Joy is prayer - joy is strength - joy is love - joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. - - Mother Theresa

I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters. - - Oprah Winfrey

Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy. - - Sarah Ban Breathnach

There is no greater joy nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone's life. - - Sister Mary Rose McGeady

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. - - Helen Keller

What I glean from the aggregate of these quotes is that joy is palpable because we have known hardship yet is always within us, is felt in our meaningful connections with others, and is enhanced when we positively affect the lives of those around us including the lives of you and of me.

So be courageous on this special day and seek out some joy. Be still in your soul and true to yourself and your health. Find that warm, valuable, mattering spot in your heart and identify one way that you could bring joy to your life. See what happens when you act on it!

Perhaps you have heard the saying, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Being vigilant and determined are significant factors in achieving growth and change in mental health. If we don't try new approaches to our life, different ways of relating, and changes to old habits, we can stay stuck, remain stagnant. Although it may be a challenge to muster the courage to try something new, keep the following quote in mind .... Triumph is just "umph" added to try. - - Author Unknown

It starts early .... like when you skin your knee and someone kisses it "all better," color a picture that is hung on the front of the refrigerator, or get to choose a special meal on a birthday. Perhaps it's a little note inside the lunchbox or a card in the mail for no reason at all other than "just because..." Acts like these can help us feel as though we matter - that we are important and significant enough for someone to take notice and do something that makes us feel special. Identify the people in your life who make you feel as though you are important and spend time with them. After all, you do matter.

In the movie Titanic, Jack directs Rose to "Make it count." Whether your life ahead of you is long or short, try to live each day to its fullest. Extend your reach for the shiny brass ring on the carousel of life. Your life is your own. Live it passionately. Savor authentic relationships. Relish in intellectual curiosity. Celebrate the miracles of the moments. Find joy and contentment.

I've been struck by the paralyzing force - the incapacitating nature - of indecision. Immobilizing acts such as looking for the best job, the perfect partner, or the optimal career path can lead to emotional debilitation. Sometimes, people are mired down by numerous imperfect options, and subsequently choose nothing. No action; only stagnation. Choosing a new path, especially when 'imperfect,' may feel uncomfortable, yet it is an important step toward learning what you like, what you don't, and how to progress. It also teaches us of our amazing capacities to be more than we may have anticipated we could be.

"Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did." - - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Sometimes, it can be easy to focus on the deficits - what we don't have or what we are dissatisfied about in our lives. When the list is long and full of difficult challenges, it can lead to feelings of defeat and depression. A challenge may be to focus on the assets. What are you grateful for in your life? To whom could you give thanks? What's going well, or 'okay', that you can embrace, be proud of? Consider keeping a daily gratitude journal that can serve to celebrate the positive events, people and accomplishments in your life.

Pretend that your life is a company, and you are the Chief Executive Officer. In the CEO role, you take note of the people and activities that serve the company well, helping it to progress and succeed. You also identify those factors that are challenges or obstacles for the company. In your position as CEO of your life, what components of your company should you keep, perhaps even emphasize and strengthen? What challenges or obstacles should you work toward eliminating? Take steps toward leading your life toward further success and happiness.

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement!" - - Golda Meir

Words to ponder:
"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." - - M. Scott Peck

It's not uncommon for me to hear people struggle with balancing their own needs and those of others. Some err on the side of being highly self-focused while others veer more toward being a caretaker. But an extreme caretaking role can be a problem because you can lose sight of the importance of tending to your own needs. If you've ever flown in an airplane and listened to the safety instructions prior to take-off, you've been instructed on something like this: "In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. Please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting those around you." Essentially this is stressing to us that we are less able, perhaps fully unable, to help others when we are gasping for air (overwhelmed, overcommitted, stressed, physically or mentally compromised). So, it's important to take care of yourself - not only for your own good, but so that you can be available to help others as well.

All of us have a history - some more challenging or strained than others. While history has an impact on how we develop and what we've experienced, it does not have to control who we become. You may not be responsible for your past, but you are responsible for what you do in the present, how you interact with the world, and who you aspire to be.

I learned how to swim this year. Not because I really wanted to, but because I was dragooned by a friend to do a triathlon with her before I realized that I didn't know how to swim (panic!).

To confront significant emotions (fear, sadness, insecurity, etc) and learn how to tolerate them is an important task. Our ability to hang in with a feeling teaches us that the feeling itself is manageable (thus giving us more power and control than the emotion), and can give us the time to devise a plan of action that is safe and productive.

Here are some of the basic elements of learning something new:

1. Get a coach, someone to guide you.
2. Have fans - people to cheer you on and encourage you.
3. Develop a plan (e.g., what will you try, when, who will support you).
4. Take it slow, be patient.
5. Practice, practice, practice.
6. Celebrate each accomplishment, no matter how large or small.

In an amazing and thought-provoking talk at the TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) conference in February 2006, Sir Ken Robinson asserted his beliefs on how typical education systems are teaching children OUT of being creative. "If you're not prepared to be wrong, you will never come up with anything original." This is a powerful talk that addresses some of the challenges and opportunities within education, with strong emphasis on the importance of empowering creativity. Although the discussion emphasizes education of youth, I believe that the main messages are applicable to individuals of all ages.

Click here to view Sir Ken Robinson's talk (20 minutes in length).